RIDLEYBANK – Malton Harmanz officials, already under fire for turning the once beautiful city of Malton into a barricaded, litter-ridden, fire-prone death trap, are now coming under fire from zombie leaders after low test scores and standards from area schools were made public last week.
“We have always suspected that Malton students’ mathematical and language skills were lagging behind the rest of the world " said Janice Graagh, Director of Harmanz Genocide and Food Safety.. “Now we finally know the truth. Johnny can’t read, write, or even secure a door.”
According to the results released last Wednesday, Malton area students ranked last in basic science, writing, and were three-times as likely to believe that tagging and radio operation are fundamental, life-altering skills.
“It’s a radio. You turn it on. Why is this even in Malton’s curriculum?” said Graagh, shaking her head in frustration after witnessing a fifth grader run from a ransacked, overrun Police Station to another ransacked, overrun Police Station. “Really Malton? This is who our zombie children are supposed to eat now? Small and flavorless brains?”
Graagh challenged Malton-area schools to increase their funding in science, theoretical mathematics, and other tedious, but brain-developing disciplines, calling the current performance gap “Malton’s greatest threat to the sophisticated zombie culinary scene.”
“Malton’s children deserve more than an educational system that currently raises them to become dumb-witted, easily-picked off targets, " said Graagh, shaking her head while watching two zombies cut down a small girl trying to spray paint a fire station. “We want highly-intelligent, easily picked off targets.”
“Just a week ago, I came across a young high school student walking home from Advanced Police Station Barricading 201,” added Graagh. “He smiled, waved, but then began to scream “No! Pleas! You goin to kill me” as I started to rip his arm off”.
“Have Malton’s standards really fallen so low, that we are expected to explain to a grieving family that their mauled, dismembered child barely understands basic English?” a tearing Graagh continued. “Malton’s children deserve a better future than this. Our children deserve a better meal than this.”
Other zombie leaders have suggested that today’s students are having trouble adjusting to their new role in today’s high-paced, zombie-driven, instant harmanz-snack world.
“What these children and what Malton’s so called “survivor leaders” need to understand is that without education, many of these kids have no future. The job market already demands a highly-technical, highly-adaptive, highly-trained workforce with well-developed, buttery-flavored brains. Advanced Shotgun training is just not going to get the job done anymore,” said Marc Hrnhrh. “Massive reform is needed if today’s students can ever hope to grace our dinner table.”
Targeted afterschool help may be vital for many at-risk students, especially when they are surrounded by a hostile group of the undead, continued Hrnhrh. “If you see a child about to overtaken by a bloodthirsty zombie horde, do that student a favor. Enroll him or her in “Contemporary Emergent Literature: From Aristotle to Chaucer” or even “Differential Geometry: Advanced Risk Management” immediately. The zombie palate is a terrible thing to waste. Our stomachs will thank you.”
However, not everyone agrees with Graagh’s calls for reform.
“Whatevr.” said John Ashton, 11th Grade, Shearbank High. “Im got pla Cal of Dutee.”
