Editor’s note: Due shipping complications this article may appear to be out of date.
For a long time I was the zombie who shambled alone in Malton. Goolina had her Sir Fred. Naners had his Cialan. DJ had his Fiffy. Even the notoriously unsentimental Jorm had his significant other shambling around Malton. However, I was like the old captain of a boat: one treated their ship as their mistress, I treated the horde as mine (sorry about those crusty stains). However, for a long time I had my eye on a fetching young lass. Sure she was a mythical sea God, sure she was into some truly disturbing physical practices and sure she was a lesbian. But I decided that I wanted to be with Cthulhu In Lingerie (some of you whippersnappers may know her as Nellie) and got to courting her.
I always had a thing for Nellie. She was demented like me, she was a lot of fun to hang around with, her tentacles were the longest, most shapely and alluring I had ever seen, and she seemed impossible to creep out (always an important thing in an online gaming relationship). However, it was one day when I overheard her playing with the legendary Thor that I became truly infatuated. The grace and sensuality she possessed was overwhelming. Later she rescued my beloved schmeckel from the Randoms after ravaging it in the most intense way I have ever seen. I began to feel a certain rapport with her. She was clearly the ultimate prize for any suitor in the game.
Now, it took me a while to work up the courage to ask her out. Those who have seen Thor know that he’s very intimidating and leaves a void too large for any man to fill by himself. However, I had something on my side… the fact that I’m creepy, dirty old man willing to degrade himself in any way for a fine tentacle monster.
A couple of months ago I finally decided to make my move. I knew from talking with her that she thought boys were smelly and hairy, so I gave myself third degree burns in order to remove excess body hair and covered myself in the finest and most pungent of body sprays to make myself more physically alluring. I also gave her a fine selection of gifts which are not appropriate to publish in such a family publication. I flutter arose in my bosom when she accepted a date.
From there I continued to shower her with gifts, feed her dinner nightly, exchanging various amusing and disturbing videos, dancing with her, and the end of the evenings hugging her for three damage and kissing her for four. Eventually we consummated our relationship (well, at least with both me and my schmeckel around at the same time) in a very violent, painful, loving and caring way.
Eventually, I realized that our relationship was too big, too loving, too adventurous and too kinky to keep to ourselves. We decided to make the ultimate commitment that two people who refuse to take part in any action that has a legal sanction could… we volunteered to be BANANA GANGBANGed! Our closest friends gathered in Nellie’s favorite spot in Malton (the Horsey Museum) and ravaged Nellie and I before we took turns with each other. It was one of the most touching, violent and perverted displays we had ever been a part of. We had achieved the ultimate.
Now with Valentine’s Day approaching Nellie and I appear to be an older couple sometimes. We enjoy more quiet nights in watching videos. We spend more time feeding the children than feeding and/or ravaging each other. But rest assured, we still feel those same twisted, disgusting feelings we’ve felt for each other for so long. I BANG you, my lovely. And rest assured that on Valentine’s Day…
I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU
